Forrest Gump II (Part I Off and Running)

As you are well aware at this point in time, there has been a walkabout I which I called Forrest Gump I. Well unfortunately for me there was a second walkabout which we will call Forrest Gump II. In this post and the future parts of the parts of this post, I will attempt to describe the turmoil and pain that I went through during each of these life long lessons.

The first question that is always asked why did you walk from the home from Florida to Texas. This is a hard question to answer, for you see I don't have a clear cut answer to that question. Instead, I have a vague understanding of the conditions surrounding the beginning of the walk. As you may recall, loss for me is very difficult. I am not speaking of loss from a job or everyday up and down, instead I am speaking of the loss of family.

During that time, I had lost my partner who was estranged from me. He and I decided to break-up after 4 years of turmoil. Even though he was a special ed teacher and well educated he did not understand mental health issues. As matter of fact, who truly does as a love one understand the makeup of mental illness. They are innocent bystanders trying to grasp from the outside in what is happening to their loved one. In this case, my partner did not grasp and was very fearful of his own health even though there was no rational reason to be so. Our relationship ended in much turmoil as does many heterosexual divorces. In reality there is no difference between straight and gay relationships they are basically the same.

I diverge here but let me explain that after the breakup and three mediations for the stuff that we accumulated my mental health started to deteriorate. I had no support by my family who had ostracized me for the relationship and whatever conversation that I did have with my brother was curt and given the advise of keep a stiff upper lip. Without the moral and emotional support from family and friends I quickly started to deteriorate. In addition, my financial picture was drained and I started not taking my medication. I may add that as this began, my rational thinking went down the tubes. I bought a car that I couldn't afford and that along with the burdening legal fees drowned and drained me financially along with emotionally.

I started telling myself that I was ok and that these pills that I was taking in the past were not needed at all. I started connecting with the previous walk in 1996 as to that I was correct in my assumption that I was not ill and the whole world was wrong. This is a common thread with all people who have mental health issues. They don't believe, I was one myself, that we need the medication. I have often wondered if people who don't take medication regularly understand the complications with taking the medicine. I touched upon this issue when I posted, "Chemical Soup." The side effects for taking the medication, in the eyes of the participant, outweigh the benefit of the medication.

I digress here, let me refocus and tell you that during this time I started to become delusional and all the memories of the past walk and others became very vivid. I believed that space ships were in the courtyard and all sorts of things related to sci-fi. I was an avid sci-fi person so many of the threads of my thoughts came from this point of view.

I do have a theory on how the brain operates, that if we could envision a strand that has many adjoining parts to it. In normal circumstances, the strands do not jumble together but there is a smooth connection. When there is a chemical imbalance the synapses start firing at different levels and those strands are missed reconnecting in the inappropriate order. Under normal circumstances the order would be a to b to c to d but under imbalance they may be a to z to f to g and so forth. That is my theory on trying to explain how some of the threads were accurate but the conclusions were all messed up.

This was the beginning of my Forrest Gump II the delusional part and lack of support of friends and family. I was all alone not taking my medication and getting worse every day. I would start walking in Florida soon though. A walk that would lead me to Texas. In Florida, daily I would walk from the apartment to some other part of the city and walk back. Was this walking a preparation of my long journey to Texas. I do not know. All that I knew was that I would walk from one part of Bradenton, Fl to the other in the heat of 90F without water or food. My pantry was empty and I had no money with me. My social security disability would not come in until the 3rd of September 2008.

In reflection, I was preparing to take the walk of my life. I started packing my clothes in a small carry on bag and the most important documents that I thought I would need. I began telling myself that I was going to go to San Antonio to interview for a position at U of T. Why Texas I don't have the foggiest idea but the road to Texas would bring me to San Antonio to DC to Chicago to St. Louis and to Dallas/Fort Worth.

My message to clinicians/caregivers and the like is quite simple start observing the behavior of your loved one and determine if there are changes. Are they eating right, what are they saying about themselves? Do they seem agitated over something? Instead of confronting them try to talk to them and determine the facts without intruding too much in their life. Then let the physician know so the appropriate observations can be made by the medical personnel. They have better techniques in determining what is happening. Above all things, do not put shame and guilt on the table of the loved one. They already know what it feels like to come back and rebuild their lives without the added burden of your guilt upon them.

Thank you for reading.