On Track to a Better Life

Several months have past since my last post. The reason being that I have been busy with making a life in Fort Worth. When we last left off I was looking for an apartment to live. I did find an apartment and a roommate. The first roommate was not the best, but we kept our dialogue to peaceful. My life was coming together and I thank God that it was. I could start to function in society once again. Sure there were moments that were very difficult for me, but I am a survivor so I plodded along moving to the goal of independance and functioning once again.

The first thing that I needed to accomplish was to find a position that would use my skills as a teacher and orator. I had a message to deliver to all and that was important. Indirectly, I needed to give hope to all that were in the same boat that I was in and directly, I needed to send a clear signal to my family that I could make it in the world. The last direct message they had given me was that we want no part of you. I was bound and determined to show them, out of anger, that I could definitely make it.

I searched all over for a position. I turned Fort Worth upside down to find work. That is an important message to give those who are in the same state of mind that I was. There is hope and you can do it. I met my case worker and she was an inspiration to me. She pushed when it was important to me and picked my spirits up when they needed to be. I did find a position at the local community college teaching anatomy and physiology. Can you imagine that, a person that was deemed incompetent now teaching anatomy and physiology! I was good at teaching and to this day I am still teaching, part time, the same subject. I have had rave reviews by my students and acceptance by the Dean and Chairman of the Department. So, I look back and realize that I had it in me all the time. All I needed was the support by people, albeit not my family, and the gumption to do it.

I tried to make connection with my family, but to no avail. The wanted nothing to do with me. The holiday season was the hardest and most difficult. You see to me the family was the central part of my life and not to have them, be as dysfunctional as they were, was devastating. Here I would like to not something that I hadn't all along. The family of the person who has gone through and continues with mental health illness, needs support. For you see, I am now on the Adult Mental Health Community Advisory Committee. I am an advocate of all those who have mental health issues. I listen to those families that there love ones have been stricken by the disease and empathize with them. I hear and remember how my family was through hell during those years. So, I understand in a way how they didn't want any part of me. However, they haven't given me a chance to demonstrate to them the change that they wanted to see. Instead, they remember all the pain and conditions that they went through.

This is a message to the families of the affected ones, give the loved one a chance and see what happens. Set boundaries, of course, but when you see a change that is desirable praise them and support them. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. There is some good left in your loved ones. Maybe they have to hit rock bottom first and then make a turn-around. Who knows but it behooves you to make the effort at least to keep in touch with them. I say that now, even though I realize that if I would go back to the family I would put myself into jeopardy of possibly relapsing with the pressures of a dysfunctional family. In reality the I do fantasize of the family. We all do. We have this Norman Rockwell picture in our heads of how the family should be during the holidays and that is not reality. We do need to wake and smell the roses. Family is what you make of those around you. If I haven't said it before, then I will say it again: You are born into a family of origin, BUT you choose your family of choice. Being gay and with a disillusion family this makes it even more poignant for me.

During this time, since my last post, my life has changed dramatically. I have and continue to speak to the staff of Mental Health and Mental Retardation of Tarrant County on my Journey to Sanity. I give the perspective of someone that is in the recovery mode instead in the medical sustaining mode. This is important to recognize, past models basically had the person sustaining the illness with medication with little hope of recovering and become a functional part of society. Currently, there is another model that is being used--recovering. Recovering allows for the individual to function in society, as best as they can, with their limitations. It is a more positive approach to the situation.

In my case, I am working part time; functioning on Boards, such as the Samaritan House and Mental Health Housing along with now having found a wonderful partner. I am fulfilling my life and feeling more functional again. This is not to say that I don't have my pitfalls. The holiday season is upon us and I reflect upon a lost family, albeit strange as they may be. The message here is that there is hope for those affected and effected by mental health illness. It is the perseverance that is important. The family needs to perservere and so does the love one. It may see hopeless at times, but there is nothing that we go through that is not for a purpose. Maybe to help someone else or for self reflection but there is always a purpose if we reflect positively.

Thank you for reading and I will be posting more regularly now.