Abandonment - Father's Day

As the title of this post suggest, I am going to speak to an area of my life that heretofore I had not spoken. This post will be out of sequence with the other posts, however, it is warranted given the special day that today is - Father's day. During this day we honor our father's for all the sacrifices that they have given to their children. I cannot say that in the past I wasn't honored, however, now is a completely different situation.

I was a happy man in my thirties given the fact that I had wanted children. All my life I wanted children to give them what I had not had, mainly the fatherly love. You see my father was very distant to me and I can recall many different occasions where he would try in his own way to love me, but it was shallow. You see I and he knew that I was different. I didn't like sports, I hung around with my mother in the kitchen and I liked men...yes, I am a gay man. Many people would say, how could you be gay...you have children. Well being gay doesn't mean that you don't have children.

The draw to have a family was so strong that I forsake my sexuality to have a family. Second the times dictated that gay men didn't and shouldn't have a family. This has changed now and I am very happy that it has. I hope that in my lifetime I see an equality in the marriage arena also. Anyway, I stray from my central point of this piece, that is the abandonment of my family during the coming out process and now.

When I came out to my family, they wanted to put my sexuality under a basket and hide it. You won't and I will not hide my sexuality under a basket was my response. There was much blame going around at the time to answer this situation, but the main focus was well he is gay because he is mentally ill. This took alot of explaining and I still believe that deep down they still believe it.

In any event, no one could understand why a "family" man would be interested in a man. I had a lover at that time that relationship ended in failure. Mainly, because I wasn't true to myself and let him rule my life. It was a clue to my self-esteem which I am still working on now years later. Here is the another portion of this piece - I was abandoned because of two distinct issues: one I was gay and two I, for some on godly reason they thought, wouldn't take care of my mental illness. Taking of the magic pill would solve the problem.

The first is not a choice, you are born gay and that is all there is to it. I might add to the zealots who condemn being gay - "God does not make mistakes and I am not a mistake" Second, the issue of sexuality being a byproduct of mental illness is so absurd that it doesn't even warrant discussion. It demonstrates the fear of the unknown that people have for something that breaks all boundaries in their mind.

Let me refocus to the point of telling the favor that this family did for me. When I was hospitalized the social worker was trying to get in touch with my family for support. There answer was we will talk to him in a year. That was devastating to me at first. I cried myself to sleep nite after nite. Then I received a letter from my daughter telling me at this point in her life that she was not going to be responsible for me. This further devastated me, however, it gave me the push that I needed in life to do what I am doing right now. It told me well, Tony you are on your own now, pull yourself up from this somewhat bottomless pit and hunt for the light. I am not saying that I wasn't scared as hell, but I was frightened. NO ONE to support me emotionally or otherwise.

I did succeed though with the help of professionals. Here, I tip my hat to the professionals. They saw a man who had lost everything and were sympathetic to the situation. I had lost everything but not my will power to live and succeed again. I had lost my possessions, but also my family of origin. Instead of hiding in hole, I just started life all over again. Now, I have an adopted family that call me papa, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I have a church family and I am quite content. This is not to say that I don't miss or want to know what has happened to my family of orgin but I have accepted that they don't want me. That is ok with me, because other people have and are filling my life.

My message of the day is to reach out to the social workers and case workers who see hundreds of cases. They are overworked and underpaid. It take a special person to become a social worker. My case manager is exceptional for she has held my hand throughout this whole process and I have succeeded to see the light. If you are a social worker look deep into each situation and determine what psychological issues are there that you can assist. Determine what resource, doesn't have to be services, such as lending an ear and giving your time which will truly help the consumer. THE most important part of your position is TO CARE. If you don't care about your consumer they will know and you will not succeed on road to recovery which is necessary for the consumer.

Thank you for reading