Disability - Are you Crazy?

So now after the walkabout, what happened to my employment. Well, I was the Corporate Safety Manager of a large international R & D facility. A lot of responsibility and pressures at the facility. I was in charge of not only the employees but of their client's safety procedures when we did their pilot plant activities. The perception of the directors was that I would not be able to handle the stress and pressures of my role in the facility. I do not blame them, because here is a point that I have been making all along, the general public is not informed and integrated with the affect of mental illness. They have the perception of "One Flew Over the Coo Coo Nest." In addition to this, I was not spending the right amount of effort at work and was very distracted in my personal life. Consequently, a infra-structure restructuring left me without a position.

My doctor, Dr. Kimmel at the time, proposed to me that it was time for me to explore and go onto disability. It came as a total shock to me. I wasn't prepared for this type of turning onto green pastures. I had worked hard all my life and my identity was centered around my career. I had become the Chairman of the Health care Section of the National Safety Council. My career was who I was.

After the initial shock of being told, "You can't work any longer!" I went into a tailspin. I was depressed and anxious, I started blaming myself for everything. I went away from all the support that I had. I simply didn't want to exist any longer. Remember, I was in my mid 30's not in my sixties and this wasn't suppose to happen. I damn everyone; friends and colleagues started disappearing. Another point to support the problem of awareness of mental illness and its impact. People in general just ran away from the fact that a vibrant man had a mental illness. People can accept an illness of anything below the head, but when it has to do with the head forget it; they are scared of it. I personally believe that this blog and other mediums that help address this problem of awareness and education will eventually, hopefully in my lifetime, bring the support needed for those impacted with mental illness.

The battle with social security was a long, one and half year battle. Even though I had enough documentation to choke a horse they kept insisting that I could work. I can only imagine the problems other people had with less documentation of their illness. Eventually, they came around and I was placed on social security. My savings were depleted and I now went from a 60K salary to almost poverty level. What an adjustment I had to make. I am not an extravagant man, but I had child support and alimony to also pay at that time. So you can imagine what a meager existence I was having. I remarried and that helped in the economics of things, but I remarried for the wrong reasons which ended up in divorce, to be explained in a later post.

The impact of disability on me was to provide some sort of income to exist, but it didn't provide me with a livelihood. My identity had been stolen. I searched for years and asked myself the question, "Who are you?" Counselors and therapist would tell me, look beyond your career. In part, I would agree with them but a man in his 30's was having a hard time identifying with this simple statement. Had they gone through the same situation. Damn they had a job, hectic as it may be, they went to work in the mornings and came home. All I could do was take my meds, watch television and of course relax. Some people would think that this was heaven, but for me it was hell. I tried volunteering but had limitations as to what I could do. I even became a Master Gardener for Lee County, Florida. Still no satisfaction. Besides I kept getting sick and hospitalized every year. As I mentioned, I had 20+ hospitalizations.

The point that I am trying to make is that when you are on social security disability, yes it is a form of income, however, what about your livelihood? Some enjoy this form of security, but for me it is still a hindrance to my identity and journey in life. I look at this as being a stepping stone and a security blanket. I am teaching now, part time, and see that also as a stepping stone. I have many good years ahead of me as long as I don't take a Forrest Gump III. I will discuss the Forrest Gump II in a later post.

Thank you for reading.