Identity Crisis

In my previous post I spoke about going onto disability and the impact that it was having on my life. In this post I want to explain the turmoil that it brought me with the revelation that I could no longer work again.

You see as a man, gay or not, the utmost importance that is placed on him is that he provide for himself and others. His total existence, as defined by society, is what do you do for a living. It was very hard for me to answer that question, "So what do you do for a living?" My answer was always meekly to say well I am on social security disability. This statement brought all sorts of looks and comments but never the one that I wanted, mainly that of appreciation of what I was doing for society.

I had been stricken down in the peak of my career. I had been recognized as a national leader in my field - Environmental and Occupational Safety and Health. I had been a Chairman of the National Safety Council, Healthcare Section; member of the American Hospital Association Occupational Health Committee and a guest speaker at numerous Congresses for the National Safety Council.

Now, without these titles, my self-worth was gone. I was angry at what had happened and instead of venting my anger outward it festered inward. Family members tried to understand this but kept reassuring me that this was good for me to be on disability. Even doctors kept saying, "You have worked long enough time to retire." I fought this vehemently because my brain, even though it was screwed up, still functioned. I was who I was because of my hard work. Yes, I was a father, husband and all of that but the illness had stolen my identity from me.

The Ohio Rehabilitation Commission tried to pigeon hole me into another job, as they put it, but couldn't come up with the proper type of position. Notice that I stated "position" verses job. My faculties where still intact and I needed the self-worth of working on something. I floated from volunteering to even becoming a Master Gardener for Lee County, Florida. Nothing would fill the void that I was experiencing. This would be fine for someone in there 60's but I was in my late 30's.

Herein lies the crux of this post, when society defines you as disabled, what does society do for you when you no longer fit the mold. Many a therapist sat and discussed with me the fact that I was more than just my career. However, the self-actualization of myself was never addressed. Social workers tried to convince me that this was good for me and that I could say I was semi-retired. It wasn't until I found a position as an Adjunct Faculty member at Edison Community College that my self-worth was addressed. My family fought vehemently that I was going to work and would lose my disability. I continued to grow with each position that I took on. I am a survivor so I fought the system to gain myself.

Social Security Disability is and should be there for those who need the security blanket. God only knows, that I still need the security blanket to some point. However, these programs need to address not only security but how to transition people in need of self-worth. Clinicians listen to your consumers when they are talking about what they are doing all day. I know that the thought of being home and being paid for sitting and watching television sounds appealing BUT it isn't on a long term basis for some.

Look at each individual's needs and ask the question, is Maslow's hierarchy being addressed. Is the person going into recovering or are they just existing? Where in our programs can we help this individual grow as a person? Ultimately, by asking questions of yourself you will be doing cost containment and providing funds for others who are in crisis. The road to recovery is a long one and there are many obstacles along the way. By truly assessing each individual as an individual and not a number, you will be helping them. Besides your own self-actualization will be enhanced. Through you, others will grow.

Thanks for reading.