As I mentioned before, my identity was tied into my career. Who I was as a professional was so important to me that I search endlessly trying to find that niche again. Though it may sound crazy, I didn't want to be known as disabled all the rest of my life. My family and friends kept saying, "You have worked all of your life, enjoy this, call it retirement." Hell, at my mid 40's to retire was to say to me why don't you spend the rest of your life in hell itself.
You may recall that in previous posts I mentioned the Ohio Rehabilitative Commission. The best that they could come up was a greeter at Walmart. No way was I going to spend the rest of my life as a greeter at Walmart. That type of job was exactly that a job not a position. I wanted to be challenged. Damn I was challenged with my medication but I at least had to have some sort of self-worth.
I thought let me first volunteer, there are plenty of volunteer positions out there that I could do. So, I volunteered for the Master Gardeners of Lee County and became one myself. It was challenging to go to school again but it gave me back my self-esteem. I succeed so much that I was on the Board within a year turning everything upside down. That wasn't enough I felt like I was thrown a bone which had no meat on it. So, I went into the Master Paster Program from the church I was attending. Still no satisfaction. I was hunting for something, somewhere that would fill the void in my life.
There is a message here, mainly, where are the governmental programs for those who want to transition out of the security net of social security into the working world once again? Don't get me wrong the thought of working scared the hell out of me, but I needed my self-esteem and self-worth again. Family members were furious with me because I wasn't satisfied in sitting home and watching tv or amusing myself around the house. Maybe for someone else this would be satisfying but for me it sure the hell wasn't.
Finally, I did a self analysis of my career and went through all the aspects of my positions that I had in the past. I was a consultant, director, manager and now I had to figure out what I wanted to be. The common thread that I found in all the positions was that I enjoyed teaching various aspects of my fields. Well, I thought with that revelation I need to teach. Where could I teach? I had a Master's of Science degree not a teaching degree. Given that I was driven not to stay home I decided to look at the local schools and with a lot of hunting found a position as an 8th grade Science teacher.
Well, I thought that is the answer I can teach 8th graders. Lo and behold I had another thing coming. First, my family and friends were upset with me that I would try to work. Here is another point for the families of those of mental health consumers, the road to recovery also is paved with the self-worth of the individual. If the individual can work in some sort of capacity that gives them satisfaction, let them do it. The worst that can happen is that they will fall, but be there to catch them.
In my case, I had under estimated the mental capacity of 8th graders. It takes a very special person to handle them. First their hormones are raging and second they believe they know the answers to life. I lasted one year and then with great remorse had to resume my life on disability. The stress was way too much for me and this only gave fuel to the fire of my family that I shouldn't work ever again. Instead of catching me as I fell, they simply ignored the fact and told me, "I told you so." Years later I refined my search for a position and now have been an adjunct faculty member at a local college. In a way it is my way of saying, "I told you so."
Again, I repeat myself, however, case managers heed this message. Look deep into the soul of your client and determine what they can do in life to build up there self-esteem. Granted some consumers will not be able to do much but others may. Above all things take each consumer as an individual and try not to pigeon hole them into the slots that you perceive are available. THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX.
Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Identity Crisis
In my previous post I spoke about going onto disability and the impact that it was having on my life. In this post I want to explain the turmoil that it brought me with the revelation that I could no longer work again.
You see as a man, gay or not, the utmost importance that is placed on him is that he provide for himself and others. His total existence, as defined by society, is what do you do for a living. It was very hard for me to answer that question, "So what do you do for a living?" My answer was always meekly to say well I am on social security disability. This statement brought all sorts of looks and comments but never the one that I wanted, mainly that of appreciation of what I was doing for society.
I had been stricken down in the peak of my career. I had been recognized as a national leader in my field - Environmental and Occupational Safety and Health. I had been a Chairman of the National Safety Council, Healthcare Section; member of the American Hospital Association Occupational Health Committee and a guest speaker at numerous Congresses for the National Safety Council.
Now, without these titles, my self-worth was gone. I was angry at what had happened and instead of venting my anger outward it festered inward. Family members tried to understand this but kept reassuring me that this was good for me to be on disability. Even doctors kept saying, "You have worked long enough time to retire." I fought this vehemently because my brain, even though it was screwed up, still functioned. I was who I was because of my hard work. Yes, I was a father, husband and all of that but the illness had stolen my identity from me.
The Ohio Rehabilitation Commission tried to pigeon hole me into another job, as they put it, but couldn't come up with the proper type of position. Notice that I stated "position" verses job. My faculties where still intact and I needed the self-worth of working on something. I floated from volunteering to even becoming a Master Gardener for Lee County, Florida. Nothing would fill the void that I was experiencing. This would be fine for someone in there 60's but I was in my late 30's.
Herein lies the crux of this post, when society defines you as disabled, what does society do for you when you no longer fit the mold. Many a therapist sat and discussed with me the fact that I was more than just my career. However, the self-actualization of myself was never addressed. Social workers tried to convince me that this was good for me and that I could say I was semi-retired. It wasn't until I found a position as an Adjunct Faculty member at Edison Community College that my self-worth was addressed. My family fought vehemently that I was going to work and would lose my disability. I continued to grow with each position that I took on. I am a survivor so I fought the system to gain myself.
Social Security Disability is and should be there for those who need the security blanket. God only knows, that I still need the security blanket to some point. However, these programs need to address not only security but how to transition people in need of self-worth. Clinicians listen to your consumers when they are talking about what they are doing all day. I know that the thought of being home and being paid for sitting and watching television sounds appealing BUT it isn't on a long term basis for some.
Look at each individual's needs and ask the question, is Maslow's hierarchy being addressed. Is the person going into recovering or are they just existing? Where in our programs can we help this individual grow as a person? Ultimately, by asking questions of yourself you will be doing cost containment and providing funds for others who are in crisis. The road to recovery is a long one and there are many obstacles along the way. By truly assessing each individual as an individual and not a number, you will be helping them. Besides your own self-actualization will be enhanced. Through you, others will grow.
Thanks for reading.
You see as a man, gay or not, the utmost importance that is placed on him is that he provide for himself and others. His total existence, as defined by society, is what do you do for a living. It was very hard for me to answer that question, "So what do you do for a living?" My answer was always meekly to say well I am on social security disability. This statement brought all sorts of looks and comments but never the one that I wanted, mainly that of appreciation of what I was doing for society.
I had been stricken down in the peak of my career. I had been recognized as a national leader in my field - Environmental and Occupational Safety and Health. I had been a Chairman of the National Safety Council, Healthcare Section; member of the American Hospital Association Occupational Health Committee and a guest speaker at numerous Congresses for the National Safety Council.
Now, without these titles, my self-worth was gone. I was angry at what had happened and instead of venting my anger outward it festered inward. Family members tried to understand this but kept reassuring me that this was good for me to be on disability. Even doctors kept saying, "You have worked long enough time to retire." I fought this vehemently because my brain, even though it was screwed up, still functioned. I was who I was because of my hard work. Yes, I was a father, husband and all of that but the illness had stolen my identity from me.
The Ohio Rehabilitation Commission tried to pigeon hole me into another job, as they put it, but couldn't come up with the proper type of position. Notice that I stated "position" verses job. My faculties where still intact and I needed the self-worth of working on something. I floated from volunteering to even becoming a Master Gardener for Lee County, Florida. Nothing would fill the void that I was experiencing. This would be fine for someone in there 60's but I was in my late 30's.
Herein lies the crux of this post, when society defines you as disabled, what does society do for you when you no longer fit the mold. Many a therapist sat and discussed with me the fact that I was more than just my career. However, the self-actualization of myself was never addressed. Social workers tried to convince me that this was good for me and that I could say I was semi-retired. It wasn't until I found a position as an Adjunct Faculty member at Edison Community College that my self-worth was addressed. My family fought vehemently that I was going to work and would lose my disability. I continued to grow with each position that I took on. I am a survivor so I fought the system to gain myself.
Social Security Disability is and should be there for those who need the security blanket. God only knows, that I still need the security blanket to some point. However, these programs need to address not only security but how to transition people in need of self-worth. Clinicians listen to your consumers when they are talking about what they are doing all day. I know that the thought of being home and being paid for sitting and watching television sounds appealing BUT it isn't on a long term basis for some.
Look at each individual's needs and ask the question, is Maslow's hierarchy being addressed. Is the person going into recovering or are they just existing? Where in our programs can we help this individual grow as a person? Ultimately, by asking questions of yourself you will be doing cost containment and providing funds for others who are in crisis. The road to recovery is a long one and there are many obstacles along the way. By truly assessing each individual as an individual and not a number, you will be helping them. Besides your own self-actualization will be enhanced. Through you, others will grow.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Abandonment - Father's Day
As the title of this post suggest, I am going to speak to an area of my life that heretofore I had not spoken. This post will be out of sequence with the other posts, however, it is warranted given the special day that today is - Father's day. During this day we honor our father's for all the sacrifices that they have given to their children. I cannot say that in the past I wasn't honored, however, now is a completely different situation.
I was a happy man in my thirties given the fact that I had wanted children. All my life I wanted children to give them what I had not had, mainly the fatherly love. You see my father was very distant to me and I can recall many different occasions where he would try in his own way to love me, but it was shallow. You see I and he knew that I was different. I didn't like sports, I hung around with my mother in the kitchen and I liked men...yes, I am a gay man. Many people would say, how could you be gay...you have children. Well being gay doesn't mean that you don't have children.
The draw to have a family was so strong that I forsake my sexuality to have a family. Second the times dictated that gay men didn't and shouldn't have a family. This has changed now and I am very happy that it has. I hope that in my lifetime I see an equality in the marriage arena also. Anyway, I stray from my central point of this piece, that is the abandonment of my family during the coming out process and now.
When I came out to my family, they wanted to put my sexuality under a basket and hide it. You won't and I will not hide my sexuality under a basket was my response. There was much blame going around at the time to answer this situation, but the main focus was well he is gay because he is mentally ill. This took alot of explaining and I still believe that deep down they still believe it.
In any event, no one could understand why a "family" man would be interested in a man. I had a lover at that time that relationship ended in failure. Mainly, because I wasn't true to myself and let him rule my life. It was a clue to my self-esteem which I am still working on now years later. Here is the another portion of this piece - I was abandoned because of two distinct issues: one I was gay and two I, for some on godly reason they thought, wouldn't take care of my mental illness. Taking of the magic pill would solve the problem.
The first is not a choice, you are born gay and that is all there is to it. I might add to the zealots who condemn being gay - "God does not make mistakes and I am not a mistake" Second, the issue of sexuality being a byproduct of mental illness is so absurd that it doesn't even warrant discussion. It demonstrates the fear of the unknown that people have for something that breaks all boundaries in their mind.
Let me refocus to the point of telling the favor that this family did for me. When I was hospitalized the social worker was trying to get in touch with my family for support. There answer was we will talk to him in a year. That was devastating to me at first. I cried myself to sleep nite after nite. Then I received a letter from my daughter telling me at this point in her life that she was not going to be responsible for me. This further devastated me, however, it gave me the push that I needed in life to do what I am doing right now. It told me well, Tony you are on your own now, pull yourself up from this somewhat bottomless pit and hunt for the light. I am not saying that I wasn't scared as hell, but I was frightened. NO ONE to support me emotionally or otherwise.
I did succeed though with the help of professionals. Here, I tip my hat to the professionals. They saw a man who had lost everything and were sympathetic to the situation. I had lost everything but not my will power to live and succeed again. I had lost my possessions, but also my family of origin. Instead of hiding in hole, I just started life all over again. Now, I have an adopted family that call me papa, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I have a church family and I am quite content. This is not to say that I don't miss or want to know what has happened to my family of orgin but I have accepted that they don't want me. That is ok with me, because other people have and are filling my life.
My message of the day is to reach out to the social workers and case workers who see hundreds of cases. They are overworked and underpaid. It take a special person to become a social worker. My case manager is exceptional for she has held my hand throughout this whole process and I have succeeded to see the light. If you are a social worker look deep into each situation and determine what psychological issues are there that you can assist. Determine what resource, doesn't have to be services, such as lending an ear and giving your time which will truly help the consumer. THE most important part of your position is TO CARE. If you don't care about your consumer they will know and you will not succeed on road to recovery which is necessary for the consumer.
Thank you for reading
I was a happy man in my thirties given the fact that I had wanted children. All my life I wanted children to give them what I had not had, mainly the fatherly love. You see my father was very distant to me and I can recall many different occasions where he would try in his own way to love me, but it was shallow. You see I and he knew that I was different. I didn't like sports, I hung around with my mother in the kitchen and I liked men...yes, I am a gay man. Many people would say, how could you be gay...you have children. Well being gay doesn't mean that you don't have children.
The draw to have a family was so strong that I forsake my sexuality to have a family. Second the times dictated that gay men didn't and shouldn't have a family. This has changed now and I am very happy that it has. I hope that in my lifetime I see an equality in the marriage arena also. Anyway, I stray from my central point of this piece, that is the abandonment of my family during the coming out process and now.
When I came out to my family, they wanted to put my sexuality under a basket and hide it. You won't and I will not hide my sexuality under a basket was my response. There was much blame going around at the time to answer this situation, but the main focus was well he is gay because he is mentally ill. This took alot of explaining and I still believe that deep down they still believe it.
In any event, no one could understand why a "family" man would be interested in a man. I had a lover at that time that relationship ended in failure. Mainly, because I wasn't true to myself and let him rule my life. It was a clue to my self-esteem which I am still working on now years later. Here is the another portion of this piece - I was abandoned because of two distinct issues: one I was gay and two I, for some on godly reason they thought, wouldn't take care of my mental illness. Taking of the magic pill would solve the problem.
The first is not a choice, you are born gay and that is all there is to it. I might add to the zealots who condemn being gay - "God does not make mistakes and I am not a mistake" Second, the issue of sexuality being a byproduct of mental illness is so absurd that it doesn't even warrant discussion. It demonstrates the fear of the unknown that people have for something that breaks all boundaries in their mind.
Let me refocus to the point of telling the favor that this family did for me. When I was hospitalized the social worker was trying to get in touch with my family for support. There answer was we will talk to him in a year. That was devastating to me at first. I cried myself to sleep nite after nite. Then I received a letter from my daughter telling me at this point in her life that she was not going to be responsible for me. This further devastated me, however, it gave me the push that I needed in life to do what I am doing right now. It told me well, Tony you are on your own now, pull yourself up from this somewhat bottomless pit and hunt for the light. I am not saying that I wasn't scared as hell, but I was frightened. NO ONE to support me emotionally or otherwise.
I did succeed though with the help of professionals. Here, I tip my hat to the professionals. They saw a man who had lost everything and were sympathetic to the situation. I had lost everything but not my will power to live and succeed again. I had lost my possessions, but also my family of origin. Instead of hiding in hole, I just started life all over again. Now, I have an adopted family that call me papa, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I have a church family and I am quite content. This is not to say that I don't miss or want to know what has happened to my family of orgin but I have accepted that they don't want me. That is ok with me, because other people have and are filling my life.
My message of the day is to reach out to the social workers and case workers who see hundreds of cases. They are overworked and underpaid. It take a special person to become a social worker. My case manager is exceptional for she has held my hand throughout this whole process and I have succeeded to see the light. If you are a social worker look deep into each situation and determine what psychological issues are there that you can assist. Determine what resource, doesn't have to be services, such as lending an ear and giving your time which will truly help the consumer. THE most important part of your position is TO CARE. If you don't care about your consumer they will know and you will not succeed on road to recovery which is necessary for the consumer.
Thank you for reading
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Disability - Are you Crazy?
So now after the walkabout, what happened to my employment. Well, I was the Corporate Safety Manager of a large international R & D facility. A lot of responsibility and pressures at the facility. I was in charge of not only the employees but of their client's safety procedures when we did their pilot plant activities. The perception of the directors was that I would not be able to handle the stress and pressures of my role in the facility. I do not blame them, because here is a point that I have been making all along, the general public is not informed and integrated with the affect of mental illness. They have the perception of "One Flew Over the Coo Coo Nest." In addition to this, I was not spending the right amount of effort at work and was very distracted in my personal life. Consequently, a infra-structure restructuring left me without a position.
My doctor, Dr. Kimmel at the time, proposed to me that it was time for me to explore and go onto disability. It came as a total shock to me. I wasn't prepared for this type of turning onto green pastures. I had worked hard all my life and my identity was centered around my career. I had become the Chairman of the Health care Section of the National Safety Council. My career was who I was.
After the initial shock of being told, "You can't work any longer!" I went into a tailspin. I was depressed and anxious, I started blaming myself for everything. I went away from all the support that I had. I simply didn't want to exist any longer. Remember, I was in my mid 30's not in my sixties and this wasn't suppose to happen. I damn everyone; friends and colleagues started disappearing. Another point to support the problem of awareness of mental illness and its impact. People in general just ran away from the fact that a vibrant man had a mental illness. People can accept an illness of anything below the head, but when it has to do with the head forget it; they are scared of it. I personally believe that this blog and other mediums that help address this problem of awareness and education will eventually, hopefully in my lifetime, bring the support needed for those impacted with mental illness.
The battle with social security was a long, one and half year battle. Even though I had enough documentation to choke a horse they kept insisting that I could work. I can only imagine the problems other people had with less documentation of their illness. Eventually, they came around and I was placed on social security. My savings were depleted and I now went from a 60K salary to almost poverty level. What an adjustment I had to make. I am not an extravagant man, but I had child support and alimony to also pay at that time. So you can imagine what a meager existence I was having. I remarried and that helped in the economics of things, but I remarried for the wrong reasons which ended up in divorce, to be explained in a later post.
The impact of disability on me was to provide some sort of income to exist, but it didn't provide me with a livelihood. My identity had been stolen. I searched for years and asked myself the question, "Who are you?" Counselors and therapist would tell me, look beyond your career. In part, I would agree with them but a man in his 30's was having a hard time identifying with this simple statement. Had they gone through the same situation. Damn they had a job, hectic as it may be, they went to work in the mornings and came home. All I could do was take my meds, watch television and of course relax. Some people would think that this was heaven, but for me it was hell. I tried volunteering but had limitations as to what I could do. I even became a Master Gardener for Lee County, Florida. Still no satisfaction. Besides I kept getting sick and hospitalized every year. As I mentioned, I had 20+ hospitalizations.
The point that I am trying to make is that when you are on social security disability, yes it is a form of income, however, what about your livelihood? Some enjoy this form of security, but for me it is still a hindrance to my identity and journey in life. I look at this as being a stepping stone and a security blanket. I am teaching now, part time, and see that also as a stepping stone. I have many good years ahead of me as long as I don't take a Forrest Gump III. I will discuss the Forrest Gump II in a later post.
Thank you for reading.
My doctor, Dr. Kimmel at the time, proposed to me that it was time for me to explore and go onto disability. It came as a total shock to me. I wasn't prepared for this type of turning onto green pastures. I had worked hard all my life and my identity was centered around my career. I had become the Chairman of the Health care Section of the National Safety Council. My career was who I was.
After the initial shock of being told, "You can't work any longer!" I went into a tailspin. I was depressed and anxious, I started blaming myself for everything. I went away from all the support that I had. I simply didn't want to exist any longer. Remember, I was in my mid 30's not in my sixties and this wasn't suppose to happen. I damn everyone; friends and colleagues started disappearing. Another point to support the problem of awareness of mental illness and its impact. People in general just ran away from the fact that a vibrant man had a mental illness. People can accept an illness of anything below the head, but when it has to do with the head forget it; they are scared of it. I personally believe that this blog and other mediums that help address this problem of awareness and education will eventually, hopefully in my lifetime, bring the support needed for those impacted with mental illness.
The battle with social security was a long, one and half year battle. Even though I had enough documentation to choke a horse they kept insisting that I could work. I can only imagine the problems other people had with less documentation of their illness. Eventually, they came around and I was placed on social security. My savings were depleted and I now went from a 60K salary to almost poverty level. What an adjustment I had to make. I am not an extravagant man, but I had child support and alimony to also pay at that time. So you can imagine what a meager existence I was having. I remarried and that helped in the economics of things, but I remarried for the wrong reasons which ended up in divorce, to be explained in a later post.
The impact of disability on me was to provide some sort of income to exist, but it didn't provide me with a livelihood. My identity had been stolen. I searched for years and asked myself the question, "Who are you?" Counselors and therapist would tell me, look beyond your career. In part, I would agree with them but a man in his 30's was having a hard time identifying with this simple statement. Had they gone through the same situation. Damn they had a job, hectic as it may be, they went to work in the mornings and came home. All I could do was take my meds, watch television and of course relax. Some people would think that this was heaven, but for me it was hell. I tried volunteering but had limitations as to what I could do. I even became a Master Gardener for Lee County, Florida. Still no satisfaction. Besides I kept getting sick and hospitalized every year. As I mentioned, I had 20+ hospitalizations.
The point that I am trying to make is that when you are on social security disability, yes it is a form of income, however, what about your livelihood? Some enjoy this form of security, but for me it is still a hindrance to my identity and journey in life. I look at this as being a stepping stone and a security blanket. I am teaching now, part time, and see that also as a stepping stone. I have many good years ahead of me as long as I don't take a Forrest Gump III. I will discuss the Forrest Gump II in a later post.
Thank you for reading.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Aftermath of Forrest Gump I
Well, were does one begin to explain the guilt and humility that comes out of an experience of Forrest Gump I walkabout. Remember that I had walked from OH to FL and was found by my family in a hospital. Instead of being joyous of finding me the family unit was taken aback. They still blamed each other for the episode, none willing to look at the situation as being caused by the illness. Instead, they became over-protective and uninformed.
Fear ruled in their lives that I would take another walkabout at any moment. My identity had been stolen from me. Simple tasks, such as writing in a checkbook was taken from me. What was I to do? I was totally humiliated by the actions that had happened. My pleads to let me breathe were falling to the wayside. Their inability to grasp, why this happened led me to further depression and anxiety.
I remember being brought home and placed in front of a television set with videos to watch. Why wouldn't they discuss with me what had happened. Were they a totally dysfunctional family unit. Wars broke out at anytime regarding who was to blame and how we would repair my financial situation. I was married a second time and my x-wife, was somewhat supportive but she too had fears of me running away again. My keys to the car were taken away from me. I couldn't go the store without someone following me. Let alone go to the bathroom which was constantly interrupted with, "Are you OK in there?" My meds were dispensed like I was an idiot and didn't know how to administer them.
I look back now and realize that they were so scared that they were clutching to my every move to make sure that I didn't run away again. Here is point that I wish to make, where were the health care professionals in all of this process? I am sure that they discussed the after care with them, but did they give them parameters on how to deal with an intelligent person? Did they assure them that treatment now was to give him space to breathe? I don't know the answer to these pointed questions. I only know that the true hell came after the walkabout. Did I have the walkabout because of their actions? No one will ever know the answer to this question, but I feel that when a loved one comes back from such an "adventure" the family unit NEEDS to be educated on how to support him/her. Without that support he/she may just encapsulate and isolate himself for his own sanity.
Life in the fishbowl was terrible. As I mentioned every action/word was scrutinized by the family unit without any clarification by myself. Misinterpretations were quickly brought to the doctor with the statement, "He is going crazy again!" I remember on numerous occasions trying to convince the doctors or clinicians that I wasn't going to do anything stupid again. In their minds the lack of taking the magic pills was the cause of this illness. How do you explain to them and have the emotions stripped from their reality so that they would see the light. One doctor that I had, said your brother is stating that you are getting ill again. It took me months to prove to the doctor that I was taking my medication and not getting ill.
The point of this post is every family unit is different but similar. Family units need to be fully educated and integrated with the true interpretations of signs of mental illness. I leave this to the health care professionals, however, if I ever have an opportunity to discuss my "adventure" with the families affected by mental illness, I most definitely will. I believe education is the key, but integrations into the families understanding is of the utmost importance.
I diverge at this point, however, I remember one doctor who told my ex-wife to shut up and I want to hear from Tony's point of view. It is the fear that has to be conquered and the understanding of the illness not a tug-of-war in whose interpretation of the facts are real. If I could speak to the AMA I would implore them to use their skills in discerning the reality of the patient from the reality of the family units. This friction only causes more problems than solve. In addition, though we ask the family unit to be the eyes of the physician, the information needs to weighed with the reality of the psychological impact the illness is having on the family units.
Thank you for reading.
Fear ruled in their lives that I would take another walkabout at any moment. My identity had been stolen from me. Simple tasks, such as writing in a checkbook was taken from me. What was I to do? I was totally humiliated by the actions that had happened. My pleads to let me breathe were falling to the wayside. Their inability to grasp, why this happened led me to further depression and anxiety.
I remember being brought home and placed in front of a television set with videos to watch. Why wouldn't they discuss with me what had happened. Were they a totally dysfunctional family unit. Wars broke out at anytime regarding who was to blame and how we would repair my financial situation. I was married a second time and my x-wife, was somewhat supportive but she too had fears of me running away again. My keys to the car were taken away from me. I couldn't go the store without someone following me. Let alone go to the bathroom which was constantly interrupted with, "Are you OK in there?" My meds were dispensed like I was an idiot and didn't know how to administer them.
I look back now and realize that they were so scared that they were clutching to my every move to make sure that I didn't run away again. Here is point that I wish to make, where were the health care professionals in all of this process? I am sure that they discussed the after care with them, but did they give them parameters on how to deal with an intelligent person? Did they assure them that treatment now was to give him space to breathe? I don't know the answer to these pointed questions. I only know that the true hell came after the walkabout. Did I have the walkabout because of their actions? No one will ever know the answer to this question, but I feel that when a loved one comes back from such an "adventure" the family unit NEEDS to be educated on how to support him/her. Without that support he/she may just encapsulate and isolate himself for his own sanity.
Life in the fishbowl was terrible. As I mentioned every action/word was scrutinized by the family unit without any clarification by myself. Misinterpretations were quickly brought to the doctor with the statement, "He is going crazy again!" I remember on numerous occasions trying to convince the doctors or clinicians that I wasn't going to do anything stupid again. In their minds the lack of taking the magic pills was the cause of this illness. How do you explain to them and have the emotions stripped from their reality so that they would see the light. One doctor that I had, said your brother is stating that you are getting ill again. It took me months to prove to the doctor that I was taking my medication and not getting ill.
The point of this post is every family unit is different but similar. Family units need to be fully educated and integrated with the true interpretations of signs of mental illness. I leave this to the health care professionals, however, if I ever have an opportunity to discuss my "adventure" with the families affected by mental illness, I most definitely will. I believe education is the key, but integrations into the families understanding is of the utmost importance.
I diverge at this point, however, I remember one doctor who told my ex-wife to shut up and I want to hear from Tony's point of view. It is the fear that has to be conquered and the understanding of the illness not a tug-of-war in whose interpretation of the facts are real. If I could speak to the AMA I would implore them to use their skills in discerning the reality of the patient from the reality of the family units. This friction only causes more problems than solve. In addition, though we ask the family unit to be the eyes of the physician, the information needs to weighed with the reality of the psychological impact the illness is having on the family units.
Thank you for reading.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Forrest Gump I
In the movie, Forrest Gump, the actor starts walking and walks throughout the United States with a purpose. What if there is no purpose to the walking? Well, this is what has happened to me.
Let me set the stage. I have just come out of a divorce with my x-wife losing everything that I cherished so much - my children. I fought like crazy for joint custody but got less than that and my children were still living the episodes of my illness. My illness had gone from a depression to full blown mania. I was hearing voices, though I wouldn't admit to them, my body contorted and I was seeing things which were not there in reality. I had my bags packed in the car, and would take long walks with my dog Lacy preparing for something I wasn't sure of.
My ex-wife came over one night and we made arrangements for me to drive to Detroit with the children to see her dying father. I cherished him so much that I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning, I awoke and went to work as usual. However, this would be a different day. I gave an in service orientation to new employees and went to the Mac Donald's for a lunch...then the episode started.
I drove, without any map or anything, headed East to Washington DC. I would stop at each radio antenna on the way crying and singing to the music which was full blast in the car. Why I will never know, but I did know that it was as if I was crying out to the world that my life had fallen apart. I made it to DC that night and stayed in a Holiday Inn. I told them that I was a new government official therefore I needed a government discount. I, for whatever reason, was positive that I would be working for the government on Hazardous Waste Management. This is a point that I wish to make, during Forrest Gump episode, it appeared that I was drawing on past thoughts of my life and would continue to do so throughout the next 6 weeks. I was reliving each thought but in a distorted fashion.
I continued my episode in DC as I purchased clothes and a $1,500.00 watch because I believed that I would be working as a Liaison for then President George Bush, Sr. At one point, I was spending so fast that my family back in FL and MI couldn't believe what I was doing. Note to take is that one of the clues that a person is in mania is uncontrolled spending. My credit cards afforded me an opportunity to do so. However, it does not mean that you take all credit cards away from the patient, you may want to put a manageable ceiling on them.
When the police came to find me at the Lowe's Hotel I told them that I was taking my meds and that I had a new position as the Liaison for the President. Had they intervened then, my journey would have stopped. A note to the police, maybe they should be trained in identifying mental illness episodes. After the encounter with the police, I got in my car and drove non-stop to Key West, Florida.
At Key West, I had run out of money and became one of the homeless of the streets. I walked now without medications for weeks. I continued to get worse but managed to survive by eating out of garbage containers, drinking water out of hoses and you can imagine what condition I became. I lost 50 lbs and my feet were down to the bones. I wandered the streets, talking to myself and avoiding all danger. How I avoided danger is through the Grace of God, I believe. There were many times that I could have been killed but I managed to get away from the situation. People would always look at me strangely but NO ONE stopped and said, "What can I do to help you?" Here is a point that I will address in one of my future posts, the Plight of the Homeless, because this was the first of two walkabouts which I had in my lifetime.
It had been 6 weeks and I had been living on the streets all that time. At one point, I took my wallet and discard all my pictures, identification, and what little money I had, leaving just $5.00. Why I did this I will never ever know, but at this point I was totally psychotic. In my mind, I had lost everything that I could think of which was important to me. Loss to me is a trigger, I don't do well with loss. Even today I become depressed when I encounter loss. I don't mean loss of a job, but when I lose all that is important to me, such as my family, a future post, I now become depressed only because I am managing my illness.
I was eventually found in Key West after I had gone to the police department at 2:00am stating, "I don't know who I am or where I am." I was hospitalized at De Poo Hospital, Key West and a long process of regaining who, where and what happened started. I was diagnosed with psychotic amnesia. My family did eventually find me but it took weeks to track me down.
Here is note that I wish to make, if your family member is exhibiting an episode, keep an eye out for them. Are they saying strange things? Have they packed their bags? Are they talking about going to a far-a-way place? ABOVE all things don't accuse them of starting an episode but let the health care professionals know what is going on. Your perception may be wrong but it is better to be safe than sorry. Educate yourself on the moods and changes in their personality that may come about by another episode of your loved one. HOWEVER, don't confront with, "You're manic again we are putting you back in the hospital!" It will only serve to frighten and alienate your loved one. Leave the assessment process to the professionals! Your job is too observe and report to the health care professionals.
It took many years for my family to get over the episode and any move which I took was observed like a hawk. Over protection is not the answer. Educate yourself is the answer to the problem. Joining support groups, talk with the patient's health care providers and above all things BE patient with your loved one. He/She is probably humiliated by what has or will happen. Don't add additional coals onto the burden they are carrying.
Thank you for reading.
Let me set the stage. I have just come out of a divorce with my x-wife losing everything that I cherished so much - my children. I fought like crazy for joint custody but got less than that and my children were still living the episodes of my illness. My illness had gone from a depression to full blown mania. I was hearing voices, though I wouldn't admit to them, my body contorted and I was seeing things which were not there in reality. I had my bags packed in the car, and would take long walks with my dog Lacy preparing for something I wasn't sure of.
My ex-wife came over one night and we made arrangements for me to drive to Detroit with the children to see her dying father. I cherished him so much that I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning, I awoke and went to work as usual. However, this would be a different day. I gave an in service orientation to new employees and went to the Mac Donald's for a lunch...then the episode started.
I drove, without any map or anything, headed East to Washington DC. I would stop at each radio antenna on the way crying and singing to the music which was full blast in the car. Why I will never know, but I did know that it was as if I was crying out to the world that my life had fallen apart. I made it to DC that night and stayed in a Holiday Inn. I told them that I was a new government official therefore I needed a government discount. I, for whatever reason, was positive that I would be working for the government on Hazardous Waste Management. This is a point that I wish to make, during Forrest Gump episode, it appeared that I was drawing on past thoughts of my life and would continue to do so throughout the next 6 weeks. I was reliving each thought but in a distorted fashion.
I continued my episode in DC as I purchased clothes and a $1,500.00 watch because I believed that I would be working as a Liaison for then President George Bush, Sr. At one point, I was spending so fast that my family back in FL and MI couldn't believe what I was doing. Note to take is that one of the clues that a person is in mania is uncontrolled spending. My credit cards afforded me an opportunity to do so. However, it does not mean that you take all credit cards away from the patient, you may want to put a manageable ceiling on them.
When the police came to find me at the Lowe's Hotel I told them that I was taking my meds and that I had a new position as the Liaison for the President. Had they intervened then, my journey would have stopped. A note to the police, maybe they should be trained in identifying mental illness episodes. After the encounter with the police, I got in my car and drove non-stop to Key West, Florida.
At Key West, I had run out of money and became one of the homeless of the streets. I walked now without medications for weeks. I continued to get worse but managed to survive by eating out of garbage containers, drinking water out of hoses and you can imagine what condition I became. I lost 50 lbs and my feet were down to the bones. I wandered the streets, talking to myself and avoiding all danger. How I avoided danger is through the Grace of God, I believe. There were many times that I could have been killed but I managed to get away from the situation. People would always look at me strangely but NO ONE stopped and said, "What can I do to help you?" Here is a point that I will address in one of my future posts, the Plight of the Homeless, because this was the first of two walkabouts which I had in my lifetime.
It had been 6 weeks and I had been living on the streets all that time. At one point, I took my wallet and discard all my pictures, identification, and what little money I had, leaving just $5.00. Why I did this I will never ever know, but at this point I was totally psychotic. In my mind, I had lost everything that I could think of which was important to me. Loss to me is a trigger, I don't do well with loss. Even today I become depressed when I encounter loss. I don't mean loss of a job, but when I lose all that is important to me, such as my family, a future post, I now become depressed only because I am managing my illness.
I was eventually found in Key West after I had gone to the police department at 2:00am stating, "I don't know who I am or where I am." I was hospitalized at De Poo Hospital, Key West and a long process of regaining who, where and what happened started. I was diagnosed with psychotic amnesia. My family did eventually find me but it took weeks to track me down.
Here is note that I wish to make, if your family member is exhibiting an episode, keep an eye out for them. Are they saying strange things? Have they packed their bags? Are they talking about going to a far-a-way place? ABOVE all things don't accuse them of starting an episode but let the health care professionals know what is going on. Your perception may be wrong but it is better to be safe than sorry. Educate yourself on the moods and changes in their personality that may come about by another episode of your loved one. HOWEVER, don't confront with, "You're manic again we are putting you back in the hospital!" It will only serve to frighten and alienate your loved one. Leave the assessment process to the professionals! Your job is too observe and report to the health care professionals.
It took many years for my family to get over the episode and any move which I took was observed like a hawk. Over protection is not the answer. Educate yourself is the answer to the problem. Joining support groups, talk with the patient's health care providers and above all things BE patient with your loved one. He/She is probably humiliated by what has or will happen. Don't add additional coals onto the burden they are carrying.
Thank you for reading.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I Can't Live Like This
Support is a word that we use when someone is ill and we want to support them through the hard times, but what does it really mean to go through the ups and downs of mental illness? During my illness, my wife and family tried to support me as best that they could, however, they saw the transformation of a virile, gregarious man turn into a non-rational human being. When I look back at those times I can realize what they were going through.
As I mentioned before, my body was not attached to my brain at all. I would contort, talk in strange voices and came up with all types of conclusions which were not rational. I would tell them that, "I feel like pieces and parts that someone has put together. My body is not my own." They would have to sit there and try to understand what was going on with little advice from the health care professionals. All the education in the world from various sources didn't help them. They were living through a virtual hell just like me. They tried to internalize the education, but how do you separate the illness from the person? How do you look at the person and say, I know this is not Tony it is just the illness? You can't and this lead to much problems. There was of course, blame setting among the family members and opinions as to "how" to handle the situation. The were going through a "crash" course in mental illness.
What could they draw upon for their information base? Perceptions and observations were all they knew. NAMI is a good support group for them, but it only gives the perspective of managing the illness from a clinical point of view. In all my experience with them, NAMI had not taken the point of view from the patient to explain to the families the experiences they were going through. I am not here to slam NAMI, because I believe they do much good for the families but I would like to see an enhancement of their emphasis to include the patient's point of view for the sake of the families.
Ultimately, just like in many other crisis situations the marriage broke apart because of the illness and my refusal to accept the illness. There is one point that I wish to make, however, mental illness is not a choice. If I was an alcoholic, I could chose not to drink. With mental illness it doesn't mean that if you take your meds all will go well. (refer back to Chemical Soup) Time and time again the family members would state,"If you take your meds all will be well." The problem is finding the right meds that work at the right time. I don't fault them for their perception, however, I would like to plead to the patient/family educators to emphasize medication problems and the separation of the illness from the patient. Possibly by doing this, more family units will not be broken and the support that is needed will come from this.
One concluding remark is that the family members also need a break from the patient. Give the family members time to absorb the illness and be distracted to recharge themselves from the constant stress. It is a problem in all support situations, be it cancer or mental illness. The family members need a break to regain and absorb what is going on. This is a very stressful situation an it is long term. I have seen many people whose loved ones have mental illness and they are exhausted. This illness effects both the patient and the family.
Thank you for reading.
As I mentioned before, my body was not attached to my brain at all. I would contort, talk in strange voices and came up with all types of conclusions which were not rational. I would tell them that, "I feel like pieces and parts that someone has put together. My body is not my own." They would have to sit there and try to understand what was going on with little advice from the health care professionals. All the education in the world from various sources didn't help them. They were living through a virtual hell just like me. They tried to internalize the education, but how do you separate the illness from the person? How do you look at the person and say, I know this is not Tony it is just the illness? You can't and this lead to much problems. There was of course, blame setting among the family members and opinions as to "how" to handle the situation. The were going through a "crash" course in mental illness.
What could they draw upon for their information base? Perceptions and observations were all they knew. NAMI is a good support group for them, but it only gives the perspective of managing the illness from a clinical point of view. In all my experience with them, NAMI had not taken the point of view from the patient to explain to the families the experiences they were going through. I am not here to slam NAMI, because I believe they do much good for the families but I would like to see an enhancement of their emphasis to include the patient's point of view for the sake of the families.
Ultimately, just like in many other crisis situations the marriage broke apart because of the illness and my refusal to accept the illness. There is one point that I wish to make, however, mental illness is not a choice. If I was an alcoholic, I could chose not to drink. With mental illness it doesn't mean that if you take your meds all will go well. (refer back to Chemical Soup) Time and time again the family members would state,"If you take your meds all will be well." The problem is finding the right meds that work at the right time. I don't fault them for their perception, however, I would like to plead to the patient/family educators to emphasize medication problems and the separation of the illness from the patient. Possibly by doing this, more family units will not be broken and the support that is needed will come from this.
One concluding remark is that the family members also need a break from the patient. Give the family members time to absorb the illness and be distracted to recharge themselves from the constant stress. It is a problem in all support situations, be it cancer or mental illness. The family members need a break to regain and absorb what is going on. This is a very stressful situation an it is long term. I have seen many people whose loved ones have mental illness and they are exhausted. This illness effects both the patient and the family.
Thank you for reading.
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